Friday, January 2, 2015

Everything I Ever Wanted.

Here goes: another New Years related post.

I have a lot of lovely people in my life, and I spend a lot of time analyzing my interactions with them. I'd say that I spend a lot of time in my own head, but if you know me, you wouldn't believe that for a second because I am flagrant in my efforts to interact with everyone and anyone at all times, often without thinking anything through beforehand. Maybe I'm "inside-out of my head" a lot? No. That sounds like stoner-talk.

The thing I've been over-analyzing most lately is when a friend tells me that they wish for me to have everything I ever wanted, i.e. "May the new year bring you everything you've ever desired!"  And I know that's just fancy over-exaggeration talk for "Happy New Year! I want to say something else that is nice, also!" Kind of like how us basic bitches can use the term "literally" superfluously. I don't mind that my friends want to type or say a few extra nonsense words in order to make me feel loved, quite the contrary. But still, I overthink.

What if I woke up tomorrow with everything I ever wanted? First off, there would be a fuck-ton of naked people in my bed. Awkward. I wanted them all there at one time or another but not necessarily all at once.

Also, I'd have a lot of barbies and dolls in general. Like, you'd walk into my cribs-style mansion (that I would also now have), and there'd be a lot of dolls emptily staring at you, silently scream-whispering, "THIS IS THE RAP-STAR-WORTHY HOME OF A CRAZY PERSON. WE WILL PROCEED TO EAT YOUR HEART." I'd eat nothing but mac and cheese. I would lay in my bed drunk and watching Flava of Love all day. I'd be the world's Best Christian, and also be high on pills 24/7. I'd be a bassist with a ton of Modcloth dresses. I would be in the body of so many celebrities and somehow also be dating these same people simultaneously. These are all things I have wanted at different points in my life.

I could go on and on but I'll get to the point: there are a lot of things I used to want that I absolutely do not want now. The things I feel as if I want within my heart of hearts may twinge at me for hours or years, but very few of them stick around for forever. They are replaced by new (and usually equally temporary) desires, fueled by whatever new knowledge and influences I gain over time.

I don't know if there is a shaven and bow-tied lesson to be learned here, at least not one that I agree with. I like wanting things. Wanting things fuels me and excites me. Wanting things also causes me enormous amounts of anxiety. 

I think what I'm trying to take away from this adorable over-analysis is that it is important to remember that most things are fleeting. Ideas, obsessions, even morals and ambitions aren't always all that important. How do we weed out the temporary from the solid? Your guess is as good as mine. 

Perhaps it is not as important to find oneself as it is to decide oneself. By that I mean, besides the outside influences that are beyond our control (death, accidents, childhood trauma, assault, surprise youtube-fueled fame, infertility, unexpected pregnancy, bullshit economics, etc), it makes perfect sense that we should be able to completely build the person that we are from any point forward. 

This is of course only true if we are aware of the deep truths surrounding us. If Jimmy wants to be a rapper, if rapping is the thing that brings him joy, then he should obviously rap. If Jimmy is aware that he is a good rapper (and has not just deluded himself into thinking that he is good instead of looking at the actual facts), then he should try to go pro. If he is not a good rapper, then maybe it is still a part of who he is, but... Maybe just rap on the weekends, Jimmy. Try professional gift wrapping Monday through Friday. It's a great job, and I would know.

How to find the deep truths of what I truly want? No idea. But I can tell you some things that I am good at, and from that list I can pick a handful of things that I also want. I don't need everything I have ever wanted. The things at the center of this particular Venn diagram will be enough for me. 

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